Talk:Experiment Zone 1
Ok, so, I'm reading this and you've thrusted me straight into an action scene. Tayron ducked as pieces of debris flew past. ... He ducked as two red lasers flew past. Change the second "ducked" for a synonym. "Zamour" should be "Zamor". In addition: ...carrying poison filled Zamour... Zamor Spheres contain either Antidermis of Energized Protodermis. Unless poisonous Zamors are commonplace in your universe, this is a minor mistake. Tayron ducked as pieces of debris flew past. ... The section behind him gave way. ... He ducked as two red lasers flew past. ... The Toa of Ice came and stood along side Tayron. ... He fired orbs of ice from his twin Zamour Launchers. There is nothing wrong with the sentences. However, it would be good if you didn't use so many short, choppy sentences. This is just a bit of stylistic advice. Who in the world is Tayron? Is he a magenta-armoured Dark Hunter? Describe him. Oh, and who is this Kanihk fellow? Ok, a Toa of Ice. Is he as tall as the Great Spirit Robot, or as fat as a Mukau? You need to make your main chracter memorable. Otherwise, they stay as formless shapes in the reader's mind. "Tayron, the battle is lost..." Your dialogue has no problems. The Matoran nodded and they set of away from the battlements. The Fortess of Voya Nui was an amazing example of Matoran architecture. A huge 70bio tall wall ran round the edge. In the center was the council hall, a small fortress in its self. Around that were huts, markets, blacksmith's, farms. Running overhead of all that was a spider web of bridges leading to different structures above the rest. It was all about to be destroyed. "set of away" I think should be "set off away". And here, you've got a bit of good description going on. But, again, it is marred by the short choppy sentences thing again. If you could, try to add a bit of description to the setting as well at the start of your story. That'll help orient the reader. ...acting Turaga of Voya Nui. Who in the world is this guy? Hopefully I misread something, but I don't think he was ever mentioned before. I did a quick run-through of you story... this guy doesn't ever reappear again. ...hurl it back as electrical energy. Killing the Rahkshi. After seeing this, I think the problem is not choppy sentences, it is phrase development. As you can obvoiusly see here, "Killing the Rahkshi'' is not a complete sentence. It should be "...hurl it back as electrical energy, killing the Rahkshi."'' Skip forward a bit. "The huge Rahkshi had a horn on its head, it had three fangs jutting from its lower jaw and carried a long staff in its clawed hands. On the staff, was a glowing green crystal. The Red Rahkshi bowed and presented the huge Rahkshi with the Hau. The huge Rahkshi raised the mask above its head and screeched, the others took up the call. This huge Rahkshi must be there queen." Rahkshi, rahkshi, rahkshi. You need some other ways of referring to them. The Monsters. The Son of Makuta. The abomination. Something like that. So. That is it for Chapter 1. Now, as for your plot, I see nothing wrong with your pacing and development of plat so far. It's not too rushed. Everything makes sense. I'll keep an eye on this story, I'm fairly interested in how it turns out. That's it! 'Talk | Stories | ''Bionicle: CCG ''' Thanks for the review, as I said in chat I'll be sure to go back and make corrections based on this once I've finished the story.